Stressed-out daughter picks up mom’s crankiness | Aug 19th 2006
By Jacqueline Dooley
My oldest daughter, Ana, has been having nightmares. They started out as occasional traumatic late-night events that seemed easy to deal with. Give her a hug, tuck her in bed and it was back to sleep.
But the nightmares grew more frequent, and bedtime became a huge concern not only for Ana, but for me as well. I focused on trying to help Ana solve the problem with external tools. I made her a dream catcher and told her it would help keep the bad dreams away.
It worked for a few days, but the dreams came back and her faith in the dream catcher was gone.
Ana’s nightmares were about angry faces. My husband pointed something out that hit home. “You’ve been a bit angrier than usual lately.” I couldn’t argue with that. Work’s been crazy. I’ve definitely been a bit crankier than usual.
Like most children, Ana has the uncanny ability to pick up on mommy’s moods. She tends to feel my anger is her fault — regardless of whether or not it’s directed at her.
Admittedly, I’ve taken on too much work these past few months and I am under a lot of pressure.
Breaks during the day have been short, frantic respites from my computer, which Ana witnesses. She wants to spend more time with me, but I rarely have more than 20 minutes to give her during the day. Since I work from home, Ana does not get a respite from my work-related stress like she would if I were out of her hair for eight hours a day.
Add to this the fact Ana’s sister is fully engaged in the terrible twos. That means lots of screaming, yelling and crying — all of which Ana feels is her fault.
Daughter absorbs stress
The absurdity of my 5-year-old being stressed out about my job isn’t lost on me. Ana has been just as concerned about my unrealistic deadlines and nonexistent lunch hours as I have been. Obviously she’s not literally worried whether or not I meet my deadlines. She just wants me to be happy. But when I’m overwhelmed at work, I’m unhappy; and she feels the brunt of that. But more than that — she feels responsible.
I have to work and the nature of what I do is fast-paced and at times stressful. But this mindset obviously isn’t working for me or my family very well.
I have some control over the projects I take on as well as the quantity of work. Thus, I really only have myself to blame for this intolerably long summer. My first step toward change was to tell Ana my anger wasn’t her fault, and apologize. The next thing I did was drop my most intense account. This will ease my schedule somewhat.
I’m spending more time with Ana at bedtime and talking about things that relax her which, in turn, helps to relax me. The nightmares haven’t stopped. I guess I have to admit I can’t control everything, but by managing my own stress better, I can hopefully teach Ana how to manage hers.
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This article was published by the Poughkeepsie Journal on Saturday, August 19th, 2006.