Stay-at-home dad deserves special day | Jun 20th 2006
By Jacqueline Dooley
In honor of Father’s Day, I think it’s only fair to devote this week’s column to my husband, Jim, a full-time stay-at-home dad. His dedication and commitment make it possible for me to work full-time and run my own business.
Last week’s article focused on comparing my plate versus Jim’s plate and how neither of us can fully understand the other’s day (in spite of being under the same roof during the work week). Jim commented that now that he’s home with the kids full time, he has a much better understanding of just how hard a job it is.
Jim was a cabinet maker in his pre-daddy days and, while he doesn’t miss the daily fear of cutting off a finger, the discomfort of breathing in sawdust on hot summer days or the mind-numbing detail work that was required of him, he confesses there are some days when the hours drag by and he feels less-than enthusiastic about his responsibilities.
‘‘It’s not just the fact that there’s a lot of work to do, it’s also about the type of work that is not necessarily rewarding.’’
Cleaning dishes, doing laundry, changing diapers, filling juice cups, brushing uncooperative teeth and hair and any number of endless mundane tasks now fill his week. ‘‘It can be demanding and thankless to the extreme. The kids are tougher bosses than any foreman I ever had,’’ he said.
Add to that the boredom and often unstructured nature of full-time domesticity and suddenly making cabinets doesn’t seem like such a bad deal. Men aren’t immune to beating themselves up and doubting their parenting skills, just like women do. It’s understandable that if you’re in a situation where you have no experience and are learning as you go (e.g., new parenthood), you’re going to have some doubts along the way.
‘‘I’ve always been very bad at organizing and don’t necessarily think I do a great job all the time,’’ Jim confessed. ‘‘With the kids, it’s hard to have a process because things change from day-to-day. I’m sure some parents are very good at getting that process down, but I have to work at it.’’
Connecting with the kids
From my perspective, he’s doing just fine. The kids adore him, the dishes and laundry are (relatively) clean and, most importantly, I don’t feel like I have to juggle 90 percent of the parenting responsibilities on top of working full time. I have complete confidence in his parenting skills and that gives me a tremendous sense of well-being when I have to be far away from my kids for business or otherwise.
When I asked Jim if he thinks these years at home with the girls are worth it, his response warmed my heart.
‘‘Absolutely. Working full time just to pay someone else to raise my kids doesn’t make sense. You have to develop a connection with them at this age (they are 5 and 2).’’
At this point I must have looked slightly distressed since; after all, I do work full time and have not had the opportunity to make the same day-to-day connection with the girls as he has. But Jim reminded me that since I work from home, the kids see a lot of me as well.
‘‘I think it makes a huge impact on their lives for them to see us a lot because you’re in the house working and I’m home watching them. If it was just you home and I was out working full time like a traditional nuclear family, the girls would have a much bigger connection with you. But we both change lots of diapers, we both do all the parenting ‘stuff’ and we equally share the responsibilities because we get to see them all day long.’’
What did I get Jim for Father’s Day? A new bicycle. I’d say he’s definitely earned it.
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This article was published in the Poughkeepsie Journal on Saturday, June 17th, 2006.