The Self Employed Mom

Here are 5 rules to keep working moms sane | Nov 27th 2006

by Jacqueline Dooley

My 2-year-old had a mild cold last week, which didn’t really disrupt my schedule too much except for one night when she woke up repeatedly with a cough. Even though I didn’t need to take her out of bed and give her medicine because — thank goodness — she’s getting old enough for me to comfort her while still in her room, I got very little sleep.

The first time she woke up, I was in such a deep sleep my husband actually had to wake me. It was one of those lovely dreamless sleeps that are nearly impossible to rouse from. But I got up, tended to the child and then crept out of her room to try to get back to the business of sleeping once again.

But she kept coughing, and I kept worrying and my perfect solace was shattered. At first I was angry because my sleep is often interrupted and I wanted a break for once. But after laying awake for a while I had a bit of an epiphany.

Sometimes no matter how much you want sleep, it’s not going to happen. And, thus my very first “working mom” rule was born. This led me to the next rule — it’s OK to take naps.

Most important rule

Actually the above two rules follow the premiere, all-time essential rule I came up with after being awake for two hours in the dead of night — slow down and think. This rule can be applied to anything. It’s something I need to remember before I do things like snap at my kids or shake my fist at traffic while my 5-year-old watches.

The next rule seems unrelated to the concept of not screaming at people all the time, but I think it’s actually a crucial component of thinking before I speak — stop apologizing.

And I don’t mean apologizing when I need to apologize — like when I rush everyone out the door in a stress-induced frenzy because I don’t want to be late for dinner or when I miss a deadline a client was counting on me to complete. No, I mean stop apologizing to everyone and anyone for the choices I’ve made in my life.

As a working mom, I feel guilty for everything and tend to exude this guilt wherever I go. So, for example, at the industry conference I attended last week I felt apologetic that I was a freelancer and not a full-time employee, which implied, in my mind, that I put my kids before my job. This constant guilt, which can manifest itself as apologetic deference as easily as it can turn into self-defensive anger, is very destructive and it must stop.

Likewise, when I speak with my children, I feel apologetic that I can’t be with them more because I’m working. When I’m with extended family, I feel apologetic that I don’t always want to do what they want to do (e.g., travel for the holidays, drag my 2-year-old to a parade, etc). But I’m starting to realize it’s not my responsibility to make sure everyone is happy, and that’s OK.

My final rule is likely not the last rule in my ever-growing list: It’s never too late to reassess the rules.

So here are my five rules in all their glory:

• Slow down and think.
• Sometimes no matter how much you want to sleep, it’s not going to happen.
• It’s OK to take naps.
• Stop apologizing.
• It’s never too late to reassess the rules.

I think that’s a good start for an impending New Year’s resolution — or five of them.