All working moms face conflicts; flexibility can ease worries | Apr 22nd 2006
By Jacqueline Dooley
For the Poughkeepsie Journal
I rarely think of my work-at-home arrangement, or the conflict I’ve had between juggling work and family, in terms of the bigger societal picture. It’s odd enough to unintentionally be in the thick of it, but odder still to suddenly blink and find it’s been a hot topic in the media lately thanks, in part, to a new book by Leslie Morgan Steiner, an advertising executive at the Washington Post.
When one of my friends e-mailed an excerpt from Steiner’s book titled, “Mommy Wars: Stay-at-Home and Career Moms Face Off on Their Choices, Their Lives, Their Families,” I cringed.
I have to admit I hate the term “mommy” unless it comes from the mouths of my children. The idea of working and nonworking “mommies” facing off left me with a strong feeling of unease.
Upon reading the book, I discovered it wasn’t nearly as confrontational and catty as the title led me to believe. The collection of essays written by women (most, but not all, have children), was a worthwhile read. The essays are poignant and honest.
It is not lost on me (or many reviewers) that the book focuses mainly on upper-middle class white women who have the means to hire nannies and pay for top-notch day-care facilities.
Yet I feel it’s never a bad thing to bring up the issue of work/family balance, even if the scenarios in this book are unattainable or unrealistic for the majority of American women.
Author offers take
I had the opportunity to speak with Steiner about “Mommy Wars,” and get her take on the controversial issue of work-at-home vs. stay-at-home moms. One of the big questions I had was what about those of us who have to work? Does the conflict then become moot?
“No, I don’t think it makes the conflict go away. Some women have to work for financial reasons. Some women have to stay home for financial reasons. We’re always told we have unlimited choices, but sometimes you don’t have a choice,” she said.
It’s true the inner conflict does not go away (at least in my case) when you don’t have a choice. The ongoing guilt/ worry/resentment of wanting to be with my kids more, and knowing I have to put in 40 full hours per week in order to properly support my family is often there, but what about the external conflict?
Do we reserve that only for women who have the luxury of choice? For me, stay-at-home versus work-at-home “mommies” is not the real issue here.
I feel more affronted by the expectations that are placed not only on mothers, but on all parents, without any kind of adequate support or re-sources. The reality is it often takes two salaries to get by in today’s America — so where does that leave our kids?
Answers not same
I tackled the dilemma of a too-demanding job by scaling back and working from home, but Steiner reflects this is not the answer for everyone.
“Removing yourself from the traditional work force (via self-employment or otherwise) is not the answer overall,” she said, “because women have to do things to make companies change. Flexibility is free or mostly free and companies are crazy not to offer it to female employees.”
I don’t entirely agree with Steiner’s viewpoint. I think the only way to make companies change in the long run may very well be to remove yourself from the “traditional” work force.
When good workers leave bad companies in droves, either to start their own companies, work for better companies or opt out of the work force altogether, the “traditional work force” begins to change.
Jacqueline Dooley is the owner of Jacqueline Dooley Internet Marketing. She lives in Eddyville with her husband, Jim and two daughters, Emily and Ana.
– The above article was published in the Poughkeepsie Journal on Saturday, April 15th, 2006.