by Jacqueline Dooley
My 2-year-old had a mild cold last week, which didn’t really disrupt my schedule too much except for one night when she woke up repeatedly with a cough. Even though I didn’t need to take her out of bed and give her medicine because — thank goodness — she’s getting old enough for me to comfort her while still in her room, I got very little sleep.
The first time she woke up, I was in such a deep sleep my husband actually had to wake me. It was one of those lovely dreamless sleeps that are nearly impossible to rouse from. But I got up, tended to the child and then crept out of her room to try to get back to the business of sleeping once again.
But she kept coughing, and I kept worrying and my perfect solace was shattered. At first I was angry because my sleep is often interrupted and I wanted a break for once. But after laying awake for a while I had a bit of an epiphany.
Sometimes no matter how much you want sleep, it’s not going to happen. And, thus my very first “working mom” rule was born. This led me to the next rule — it’s OK to take naps.
Most important rule
Actually the above two rules follow the premiere, all-time essential rule I came up with after being awake for two hours in the dead of night — slow down and think. This rule can be applied to anything. It’s something I need to remember before I do things like snap at my kids or shake my fist at traffic while my 5-year-old watches.
The next rule seems unrelated to the concept of not screaming at people all the time, but I think it’s actually a crucial component of thinking before I speak — stop apologizing.
And I don’t mean apologizing when I need to apologize — like when I rush everyone out the door in a stress-induced frenzy because I don’t want to be late for dinner or when I miss a deadline a client was counting on me to complete. No, I mean stop apologizing to everyone and anyone for the choices I’ve made in my life.
As a working mom, I feel guilty for everything and tend to exude this guilt wherever I go. So, for example, at the industry conference I attended last week I felt apologetic that I was a freelancer and not a full-time employee, which implied, in my mind, that I put my kids before my job. This constant guilt, which can manifest itself as apologetic deference as easily as it can turn into self-defensive anger, is very destructive and it must stop.
Likewise, when I speak with my children, I feel apologetic that I can’t be with them more because I’m working. When I’m with extended family, I feel apologetic that I don’t always want to do what they want to do (e.g., travel for the holidays, drag my 2-year-old to a parade, etc). But I’m starting to realize it’s not my responsibility to make sure everyone is happy, and that’s OK.
My final rule is likely not the last rule in my ever-growing list: It’s never too late to reassess the rules.
So here are my five rules in all their glory:
- Slow down and think.
- Sometimes no matter how much you want to sleep, it’s not going to happen.
- It’s OK to take naps.
- Stop apologizing.
- It’s never too late to reassess the rules.
I think that’s a good start for an impending New Year’s resolution — or five of them.
The National Institutes of Health released a compendium of findings last month which claim a child’s development is primarily affected by his or her family life regardless of whether he or she is in child care.
For example, the study reports children did better (socially and educationally) in homes where parents were more educated, there was less maternal depression, consistent routines were in place and the child had access to a lot of stimulation from books, toys and activities. This was the case regardless of the day-care situation.
What I think it really boils down to is that happy parents equal happy kids. I’ve seen that regardless of the amount of time my girls spend away from home during the day, they are both happiest when my husband and I aren’t miserable. This makes perfect sense, of course, but it’s easy to overlook this simple fact of parenthood when you’re up to your neck with work, kid stuff, house stuff and overall stress.
My work situation has changed frequently over the course of both my kids’ lives and my childcare arrangements have changed accordingly. My first attempt at solving the child-care dilemma was to avoid outside day care altogether. My husband stayed home four days a week with our infant daughter and I worked from home on the fifth day — or tried to work while I cared for her. All of us were stressed out with this arrangement, including my daughter.
When I got laid off in September 2002, my husband started working full time once again while I nursed my wounds, collected unemployment and spent an amazing amount of time with my toddler.
Soon afterwards, I began freelancing for 10-15 hours per week and my husband cut his work day back a bit so he could watch our daughter while I worked. Although this enabled us to avoid putting our growing toddler into day care, the arrangement was very taxing on me because I never had enough time to focus on work. It was hard on my husband too because he had an exhausting job and wasn’t really up for watching our 2-year-old immediately after work every evening. This is when day care finally entered the picture.
We started out small — one morning a week at the BOCES Childcare Center in Port Ewen. It broke my heart when my daughter cried for me as I left the room, but I’ll never forget how nice it was to sit down and do a few hours of work in the morning then have the entire afternoon to devote to her.
As my business grew from part time to full time, our child-care situation shifted along with it. My husband gradually reduced the hours at his job and then quit altogether once our second child was born.
We kept our oldest at BOCES 2 1/2 days a week until she was 3 and eventually increased her schedule to three days a week until she started kindergarten this year. Now our youngest is in BOCES (it’s really an exceptional program) two days a week and the house is actually quiet enough for both of us to get some work done. This makes for happy parents which makes for very happy kids — most of the time.
Even so, I’m still trying to figure out the perfect formula for ultimate bliss and balance. Child care is a very important ingredient in that formula and it is an ever-present topic of conversation in my house.
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This article was published in the Poughkeepsie Journal on Saturday, November 4th, 2006
by Jacqueline Dooley
One of the interesting challenges I deal with as a working mom with a home office is the yo-yoing of extremes that are a product of switching roles so frequently and quickly.
One moment I may get the good news that a new client has signed on (causing me to pat myself vigorously on the back) and the next moment I’m getting yelled at by my daughter because I made her share a toy with her sister (causing me to massage my temples with frustration).
A stark example of contrasting extremes is what I’ve dubbed the “pajamas vs. business suit phenomenon.” This is just a way to label the unique experience of complete isolation that is a day-to-day staple of working from home, but quickly changes when I travel out into the world and work on-site at an office.
I’ve accepted that occasionally I need to venture out of my isolated cocoon and come face to face with actual people, sometimes more frequently and sometimes less. Traveling into Manhattan even once a month (that’s where most of my clients are), can be a bit of drag considering the commute from Kingston, but I think it’s a fair tradeoff for not having to deal with the trip on a daily basis. Plus I get to read a book on the bus, a wonderful luxury for a working mom with two small kids.
Leaving the comfort zone of my home office to work side-by-side with real people to present in front of a crowd of 60 or more offers a few perks besides those few hours of alone time I get on the bus.
Let’s face it, working by yourself day in and day out with no coworkers on hand to chat with at the water cooler can be a real drag.
Visits that require me to leave my home office and meet face to face with clients or colleagues enable me to stay focused on the fact that even though I am not physically in the business world, I am a valid contributor to the organizations I work for.
It also enables me to keep my people skills sharp and presents great opportunities for me to network — one of my key sources of new clients.
Spending a day outside of my pajama-zone also gives me an opportunity to focus on myself. Often the only times I splurge on myself — whether it’s a haircut or a new pair of shoes — is when I have a big meeting or presentation coming up.
Spending an entire day out and about also helps me remain appreciative of my rather unorthodox working arrangement. There’s nothing like 12 hours away from home that involves commuting to make one appreciate the calm respite of their home office where things are less rushed and the kids are just a flight of stairs away.
Like anything else in life, a healthy home business requires balance. I’ve learned that if I spend too much time at home, my people skills wilt and my focus shifts away from myself and my business.
This is because I tend to wear the mom hat a lot more often when I’m working from home. Getting out of the house and back into the grown up world of traffic, briefcases and meetings is a good way to restore the balance from pajamas to business suits.
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This article was published in the Poughkeepsie Journal on Saturday, October 14th, 2006
