The Self Employed Mom

Toddler gives practice for work demands

By Jacqueline Dooley

I have a horrible client. She has unreasonable expectations, doesn’t think twice about calling me in the middle of the night when she needs something and has a bad habit of yelling at me if I don’t immediately do what she wants.

If you don’t have kids, then you’re probably wondering why I put up with such abuse. If you do, then you’ve probably guessed I’m talking about my 2-year-old.

The terrible twos are nothing to sneeze at. Toddlers can be the sweetest little people in the world, but when they get frustrated — look out. It’s an understatement to say I’m grateful the tantrums, random obsessions and strange eating habits are all just a phase.

And no matter how many professional or personal goals I achieve, nothing can compare to the sense of accomplishment I feel when I help my daughter calm down from a tantrum and actually get through to her. In fact, learning how to help both my children with their problems and concerns has made me much better at dealing with people in general and certainly better at handling problems at work.

Not that I welcome stress. One of the reasons I became a consultant was because I don’t do well with pushy bosses who have unrealistic expectations, are demanding and/or thankless and can be demeaning or abusive.

Now that I work for myself, I’ve grown used to not having to deal with the internal office drama that is inevitably part of every company’s culture.

So I think it’s funny — when I’m not tearing my hair out — that I have to ask my daughter’s permission before I leave the room in order to avoid a tantrum. If I just get up and leave, she may throw herself on the floor and shriek in protest. She also needs ample warning before it’s time to stop any activity and start another — leave the house, return to the house, read a book, stop reading a book, etc.

Bad days at the office

There’s an unmistakable parallel to our interaction these days that reminds me of some of the most restrictive working environments I have been a part of.

Could it be that bad jobs, or bosses or working environments, are a lot like toddlers?
I’ve worked with people who threw tantrums when they didn’t get their way; took what they wanted without asking, yelled, screamed, kicked or threw stuff when they wanted to make a point; and needed coddling and extra attention to make them feel good.

Not surprisingly, the cause of my daughter’s tantrums is largely at the root of a bad

working environment or relationship — an inability to communicate. By learning to help my daughter communicate what she wants, and by taking a moment to communicate my own intentions to her, I’ve been able to reduce the tantrums somewhat and thus survive the terrible twos.

If I look at the situation from her perspective, it seems reasonable that she would want some warning before I make her stop what she’s doing. And in retrospect, it doesn’t seem all that unrealistic for a boss or client to expect the some kind of heads-up from me when I’m going to be late, or leave early, or possibly miss a deadline.

Taking the “toddler” approach to communicating with my clients has made my work day a lot less stressful. By speaking openly with my clients about my expectations, and clarifying theirs, I have been able to build solid relationships with my clients. Isn’t it funny what we can learn from a 2-year-old?

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This article was published in the Poughkeepsie Journal on Saturday, October 7, 2006.

Sometimes, quitting the rat race is the fulfilling choice

By Jacqueline Dooley

A recent Newsweek article, “Getting Back on Track,” addresses how challenging it can be for new mothers to restart their careers after being out of work due to having a baby.

The article cites some progressive programs available to help mothers “on ramp” their careers by easing them back to work and providing benefits that help them manage work and motherhood with more flexibility than ever before.

I was glad to see this topic being brought to the forefront by mainstream media, but I don’t necessarily think corporate America should be patting itself on the back just yet.

Flexible schedules and in-house day care aside, women will continue to drop out of the work force rather than return to the corporate grind because companies just don’t get it. We don’t want to play by the same rules as we did before. A new variable has entered the picture — one that’s super cute, utterly dependent on us and impossible for you to compete with.

It’s pure corporate ego to assume we will continue to hold sacred the age-old success markers such as executive job titles, six-figure salaries and the amount of prestige we’ve earned at THE COMPANY once we fall in love with our babies. But you know what, that’s OK.

I’m continuously surprised at the perception that women who do not return to a full-time corporate job after taking time off to be stay-at-home moms are somehow failing in their career goals — or companies are failing them.

Why do we have to jump back into the same career path after giving birth to prove we’re successful? Can’t success mean spending one, five, 10 or any number of years at home with your children before getting back to work? And why does my rat race have to look like everyone else’s?

Women seen as victims

When men start businesses, they are celebrated as entrepreneurs. When women — particularly mothers who have left corporate jobs — start businesses, we are lamented as casualties of inflexible male-dominated corporations who were driven away from the path of corporate success by an unsympathetic system that has little tolerance for our parenting concerns.

I’m not sure that’s 100 percent true. I think the paradigm is changing and companies are becoming more flexible. Even so, it’s not enough. I doubt there is a full-time job out there that would ever give me as much personal satisfaction and flexibility as running my own business.

I quit a full-time director of marketing position with a company that let me work four days a week from home. After the two co-founders, I was the most senior employee there and the sky was the limit in terms of where I could’ve ended up. Yet I left. I did not quit because they pressured me to work long hours. They certainly allowed me total flexibility with my schedule, but I just wasn’t happy. I quit because I missed having my own professional identity.

Defining success

If we continue to measure success using the “corporate ladder” approach, then we’re missing the point. Success doesn’t have to have a title, or wear a suit or fit into a mold that was created 50 years ago during an era long gone.

Those of us who leave the rat race to start something uniquely ours have the power to change the corporate paradigm. We can teach our children a new definition of success — one that involves less stress and much less time stuck within the colorless walls of a cubicle for half their lives.