By Jacqueline Dooley
My oldest daughter, Ana, has been having nightmares. They started out as occasional traumatic late-night events that seemed easy to deal with. Give her a hug, tuck her in bed and it was back to sleep.
But the nightmares grew more frequent, and bedtime became a huge concern not only for Ana, but for me as well. I focused on trying to help Ana solve the problem with external tools. I made her a dream catcher and told her it would help keep the bad dreams away.
It worked for a few days, but the dreams came back and her faith in the dream catcher was gone.
Ana’s nightmares were about angry faces. My husband pointed something out that hit home. “You’ve been a bit angrier than usual lately.” I couldn’t argue with that. Work’s been crazy. I’ve definitely been a bit crankier than usual.
Like most children, Ana has the uncanny ability to pick up on mommy’s moods. She tends to feel my anger is her fault — regardless of whether or not it’s directed at her.
Admittedly, I’ve taken on too much work these past few months and I am under a lot of pressure.
Breaks during the day have been short, frantic respites from my computer, which Ana witnesses. She wants to spend more time with me, but I rarely have more than 20 minutes to give her during the day. Since I work from home, Ana does not get a respite from my work-related stress like she would if I were out of her hair for eight hours a day.
Add to this the fact Ana’s sister is fully engaged in the terrible twos. That means lots of screaming, yelling and crying — all of which Ana feels is her fault.
Daughter absorbs stress
The absurdity of my 5-year-old being stressed out about my job isn’t lost on me. Ana has been just as concerned about my unrealistic deadlines and nonexistent lunch hours as I have been. Obviously she’s not literally worried whether or not I meet my deadlines. She just wants me to be happy. But when I’m overwhelmed at work, I’m unhappy; and she feels the brunt of that. But more than that — she feels responsible.
I have to work and the nature of what I do is fast-paced and at times stressful. But this mindset obviously isn’t working for me or my family very well.
I have some control over the projects I take on as well as the quantity of work. Thus, I really only have myself to blame for this intolerably long summer. My first step toward change was to tell Ana my anger wasn’t her fault, and apologize. The next thing I did was drop my most intense account. This will ease my schedule somewhat.
I’m spending more time with Ana at bedtime and talking about things that relax her which, in turn, helps to relax me. The nightmares haven’t stopped. I guess I have to admit I can’t control everything, but by managing my own stress better, I can hopefully teach Ana how to manage hers.
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This article was published by the Poughkeepsie Journal on Saturday, August 19th, 2006.
By Jacqueline Dooley
Lately I’ve become obsessed with the modern paradigm of work and how it influences family life. I’m fascinated with women’s role in the work force (myself included) and how mothers, in particular, are perceived by their colleagues, managers and peers.
Last year, a study titled, “Getting a Job: Is There a Motherhood Penalty?” conducted by researchers at Cornell University, revealed a unique form of discrimination directed at working mothers.
The Cornell researchers created resumes for fictional applicants all of whom demonstrated equivalent skills. The only differentiating factor for the applicants, besides their gender, was some of them were clearly marked as parents.
A group of 192 university students were then asked to evaluate the hypothetical job seekers for a marketing director position. Apparently, past research reveals that undergraduates and real-life managers value prospective job applicants similarly.
The findings were disturbing.
- After evaluating the resumes, participants said they would hire 84 percent of the women without children, compared with only 47 percent of the mothers.
- When asked how many days the applicant could be late before they would not be seen as “management material,” the mothers were allowed significantly fewer days than non-mothers.
- When the resumes were altered so fictional mothers became fictional fathers, the study actually found fathers are in no way disadvantaged. In fact, fathers were often seen as more committed to their jobs than non-fathers.
I’m not a sociologist or an expert in the field of female anthropology, but I am a working mother. If I had to hazard a guess, I’d say mothers are perceived as less desirable employees than fathers because the perception is a mother’s top priority is her children, thus the company cannot come first.
I’m not refuting the vast majority of mothers put their children first — before the company, before their husbands and often before themselves, but I do take issue with the fact it implies mothers are not valuable assets to a company because of this.
Dedication expected
The corporate ego is strong. Employees who cannot or will not work long hours, travel, routinely work weekends and do so without complaint may be judged as less dedicated than employees who do all of the above, and more. Anything less than 100 percent dedication is obviously frowned upon. But is this perception correct?
I would love to see less head shaking and resentment from the corporate collective because an employee needed to take some time off to be a good parent. As business owners and managers, we need to pick our battles.
If you are in a position to hire someone, ask yourself:
- Would you prefer to work with someone who is unqualified, uninterested and resentful (but sitting at their desk 12 hours a day) or someone who is enthusiastic, fully engaged and loves their job (but is also a mom) for eight hours a day?
- If your employee routinely meets or exceeds her deadlines and your expectations, works well with others and is adored by your clients, then does it really matter if she leaves at 4:30 p.m. each day so she can pick up her child from day care?
- If you provided support and flexibility, job security and opportunities for career growth to a working mother, do you think she would EVER want to leave?
- Do you think that providing a flexible, supportive working environment for all parents, regardless of gender, enriches and gives back to the community?
- If the working parents of America (and there are a lot of us) don’t take time to raise our children, then who will?
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This article was published in the August 12, 2006 edition of the Poughkeepsie Journal.
by Jacqueline Dooley
The truth is I can be quite selfish. I never realized (or admitted) this until I started working for myself in 2002 after getting laid off from a job I had poured my heart and soul into for five years.
By the time I got the bad news, I hated that job. Getting laid off was akin to stepping from a dark cave, blinking, into the sunlight.
I hadn’t been unemployed since middle school. I worked part-time at various jobs, including newspaper delivery, data entry, baby-sitting, book shelving and waiting tables since the age of 11.
This work ethic, born of necessity and at a very young age, was fierce and determined to thrive even during unemployment.
I made getting a job my job. I sent out nearly a hundred resumes in the first two weeks and, although I could find no takers for full-time employment since I was not willing to relocate, I was working part-time from home within a month after getting laid off.
My first client was based in Australia, my pay rate was $15 an hour, and they could only afford me 15 hours a week. Still, my work ethic was satisfied, and I noticed something about myself. I was happy. For the first time in years, I looked forward to working.
I liked working only 15 hours per week and having days at a time to spend with my daughter. I liked not having to ask permission for my time — a few extra days off around the holidays, a day sick in bed, a morning play date with my daughter.
I loved that my work was all about me — my performance, my expertise and my process. I had finally stopped using the corporate “we.”
I didn’t think I would ever be able to go back to 40 hours per week at one company, but I tried a few years later. Ad agency life in New York City is busy. I quickly discovered the 40-hour work week had grown into a 60-hour work week.
No amount of money is worth all the time, all the creativity and all the energy I have to give. So I quit — sort of. I reduced my role to that of a consultant and weaned myself down to 60 hours per month instead of 60 per week.
Burned out in New York
My replacement relocated from Canada to join the busy New York agency that was too much for me. She quit last week after just five months. This was no surprise to me. I watched the job swallow her whole week after week.
Canada averages 26 vacation days per year — in comparison she got a couple of summer Fridays, 10 vacation days and a handful of holidays off. In exchange for this dubious benefits package, she worked 12-hour days, which included many long nights and weekends.
She leaves the advertising grind this week to work full-time in a completely different industry for less money.
This is a tremendous loss to my industry as far as I’m concerned. My colleague is another casualty of unrealistic expectations.
Is it egotistic to want to be more than your job? Is there something wrong with you when two summer Fridays aren’t enough, or you want to be able to spend one day a week at home working with your feet up, or you only have 40 hours to give in a single week? Should we be resigned to donate every shred of ourselves to our jobs because that’s what companies tell us we should do?
I think not, but, I admit, I’m selfish.
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This article was published in the August 5, 2006 edition of the Poughkeepsie Journal under the title, “It’s nice to drop the corporate ‘we’ for more of just ‘me’“
